I’ve never realized more than I do now, how important it is to be a good listener. Since portable devices have become so accessible to nearly everyone, I am noticing that more and more people are becoming poor listeners as well as communicators. In order to live our best life now, we really need to improve these two very important skills!!
I want to spell out some things that may seem insignificant, but they are points that I have found are super important to becoming a good communicator and listener! Below I am sharing some specific things and examples that you can easily and quickly put into practice in your everyday life. Remember, the more often you incorporate these life skills, the more quickly they become a habit, a way of life!!
Be approachable. In order for others to want to talk to you or connect with you, you must be appear to be approachable. We can do this with some easy steps. First, when you are in a crowd, at a party, event or such, put away your phone and any electronic devices. People that have their heads down and attention focused on a device NEVER appear approachable. Just the opposite! Get your eyes up and looking at people’s faces. Keep your shoulders back. And above all, have a pleasant expression on your face. People that look deep in thought with expressions of dis-ease are unapproachable.
Be Brave. If you’re slightly or more shy and find talking to others difficult, you will have to be determined to be brave! Remember, the person or persons that may approach you for conversation, are just like you. While some may find these situations enjoyable, more often people find them uncomfortable. The more you make yourself “put yourself out there”, the easier it gets. You can become a pro at these situations over time.
Make eye contact. When another person is speaking, always look into their eyes. Looking around the room, or down gives the impression you are not interested in what they are saying. Looking them in the eye, helps you focus on what is being said and makes them feel important. Studies have shown that if you want to come across as likable, look in the other person’s LEFT eye. Looking into the right eye has been found to come across as authoritative.
Exhibit Positive Body Language. Your posture says a lot about what you’re thinking. If you are slumped, head to the side, etc. you are expressing lack of interest. So when someone is speaking to you, stand/sit face to face, shoulder to shoulder. Leaning in slightly with your left shoulder, which often happens naturally, is interpreted as showing compassion and connectivity. Keep your eyes focused on the person and not what is surround you.
Don’t interrupt. When someone is speaking, allow them to finish their thought before speaking. If what they are saying, tends to go on for some time, you might lift your right index finger, signaling that you need to say something. Most people will pause to hear what you have to say. It’s good to every now and then summarize what they are saying just before you comment. Keep you comments to just a few sentences so that you allow for the other person to interject in the conversation.
Be Relevant and Valuable. When you make comments make sure they are relevant to what the other is speaking. Off the wall statements tend to derail the other’s intentions for the conversation. Your comments need to be valuable. What you say needs to either be compassionate, caring, empathetic, sympathetic if you aren’t sure about how to comment. You can take their hands in yours and lean in and say, “I’m not sure how to comment on what you or saying but I’m so sorry you are going through this and want to understand it”. “Tell me more so that I can identify with what you are saying”. Those are just examples, but a demonstration of what could be said when you aren’t sure of what to say.
Ask Questions. When people are expressing thoughts and pause, it is a good idea to ask questions about what they just said. But make sure that pause is an indication they are inviting you to join in not just so they can take a breath and continue. Questions help you to understand more and helps the other person solidify their position. Asking questions also conveys thoughtfulness and genuine concern.
Make Others Comfortable. When you are speaking, it’s good to often make references to the other person; make it personal. Ask them questions and use a voice that is pleasant and inviting. Stay away from negative and critical comments. Help them know you can be trusted with their confidences by not sharing other’s previous conversations. If the other person engages in negative, critical communication, try to guide it back to positive, confirming ideas. If you do this enough, they will usually realize that you refuse to attend “their negative party”.
Be Inspiring. People in general need others that will encourage them and make them “feel good”. No one enjoys being around a “Negative Nancy”. If you want people to be drawn to you and enjoy speaking to you, implement the “three P’s”. Practice Patience, Interject Positivity and Affirm Principles. Practicing Patience means allowing as much time as necessary for the other person to adequately express themselves. Being patient is also not getting frustrated with people when they find it difficult to know how to put their thoughts into words. That’s where asking questions can be helpful. Interjecting Positivity can and will help encourage the other person as well as give them hope for solutions. Positive comments can actually motivate others to change their negative positions. Affirming Principles is a way of giving the other person a map to achieve a change. It is a way of reminding them of things that have worked in the past…sort of giving them application. Showing them “the how” brings about an actual “doing” that can be a proactive step toward change. It is always appropriate to reinforce principles that we know work!
What I’ve listed is not necessarily a complete list of things you can incorporate to be a good listener and communicator, but it is a starting place to encourage quality conversations that brings about meaning and understanding between individuals. I hope you will incorporate some of these ideas as you begin your best life now!
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