Psychology Today is quoted as saying “Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from suspicion to rage to fear to humiliation. It strikes people of all ages, genders, and sexual orientations, and is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or imagined.”
Read those range of feelings again…”suspicion, rage, fear and humiliation”. Do you ever experience jealousy? Do you experience these feelings? Not all jealousy is bad. Sometimes, jealousy is a mechanism for alerting us to real threats. We know that many times we have what is called a perceived threat; one that we think is there but may not actually. But as humans, we’ve been equipped with sensors that alert us to real threats. When those sensors go off, our brain sends signals that affect our emotions and once that happens we begin to “feel” some things that are quite uncomfortable. Now, how we deal with this legitimate jealousy is very important. Often times, the person to whom we feel or think needs our protection has done nothing wrong, but because of the strong emotions we experience, we many times attack the one that is most innocent. Dealing with jealousy due to a valid threat, needs to be dealt with when our emotions are not in control and we are in a place to calmly and rationally think through those emotions. After all, rage, fear, humiliation are considered emotional responses.
Addressing a valid reaction, such as jealousy will require us to actually think through why we actually “felt” the way we did. What actions occurred? What things were said? Are our own insecurities apart of our reaction? Did the party that instigated the reaction purposefully do so? If so, why? In addition to these questions we must answer, Did the one that was considered an innocent party, actually play a role in this situation and if so, how could that be avoided in the future. Of course much of what I’m speaking to would apply to intimate relationships such as marriages, partnerships, etc. Jealousy does have a place but only in instances where it is the sensory reaction to a valid threat. So let’s talk about the jealous that more than often occurs.
More times than not, jealousy occurs when there is a perceived threat rather than a valid one. Jealousy can occur within marriages, partnerships, siblings, parent/child relationships, coworkers and supervisors and many other types of relationships. So what causes this kind of jealousy? Here are some reasons I have found to be some of the root causes.
Low self-esteem
Fear of abandonment
A controlling personality
Childhood issues such as parents repeatedly spouting negativity regarding your personhood and abilities
Lack of trust
Having a general negative outlook on things
When I reflect on the emotions described as a result of jealousy (rage, fear, humiliation, suspicion) it makes me so sad to think that anyone would go through life experiencing these on a regular basis. What a miserable existence, but I am aware that all too many people actually live life dealing and struggling with these feelings. I want to just briefly touch on a few things that can help you if you are one that is constantly battling feelings of jealousy.
What can you do about low self-esteem? First, realize that people are the same. We all put our pants on the same way. We all experience hardships. We all have insecurities from time to time. Just because someone “seems” to have it all together, doesn’t mean they actually do. You may never know the battles they are fighting within themselves but have dressed it up on the outside to look attractive. Overcoming low self-esteem will require you to do some inter-personal work. It is possible to do it on your own, but depending on the cause of it and the severity, you may need someone to help you such as a coach or counselor. Partnering with a coach or counselor can bring about the transition much more quickly, as doing it on your own will require some research and time on your own. But, it is totally possible to find good resources and individuals that can mentor you and help you with this. But don’t ignore this…it won’t just go away. It needs to be dealt with and as soon as possible. You’re level of misery depends on it.
Fear of abandonment and lack of trust kind of go hand in hand. If you are in a relationship where the person truly cannot be trusted, this is not your issue. But if you recognize you do have these trust and abandonment issues, the answer is also doing inter-personal work. Going back to where these issues first began. Was it childhood, if so, what happened? Is it more recent due to a particular relationship where you were actually abandoned and betrayed? If so, a more recent happening will be a little easier to cope with. Again, a coach/counselor/mentor is extremely helpful. You need someone on the outside that can look at you with honesty and integrity and constructively help you see what needs to be done. Trust issues take time to repair but finding someone you can open up with and know they will hold your confident and offer guiding support will help you to get there.
The last two factors are things you can personally do quite easily on your own. I’m referring to being an overall negative type personality and a controlling person. Control issues can often be a result of trust and fear of abandonment because being in control means you “think” you can prevent abandonment and someone betraying you. But, in actuality, you cannot! You are only in control of yourself. Now for a time, another person may allow you to manipulate them through your controlling devices, but eventually you will spoil and kill whatever care and love they have for you. In the end, they will leave the relationship and ultimately you will have no control. So what can you do about this? First of all, addressing negativity will require some discipline…daily discipline. It’s just as easy to see the glass half full as it is seeing it half empty. Being happy is choice and so is being negative. You may have been raised with a negative person, but you still get to choose to be happy if that’s what you want. I suggest ending your day each day, making a list for all that you are grateful. Make lists of little things, big things, things that no one else has or does. But daily journal your gratefulness. Put post it notes all over your home, car and office to remind you to be thankful. Write on each one, something you are thankful for. Say them out loud at least once each day. Begin your morning saying “today is my day and it’s going to be a good day”. Purpose before your feet hit the floor you WILL be thankful, you WILL have a good day and you WILL fill your mouth with good things. You can mark my words, after two weeks of this, you will feel differently, you will think differently and you will be different! You will begin to catch your negative thoughts so that they never materialize into words that come out of your mouth. You will begin to notice that people are drawn to you that use to avoid you. You will notice you actually FEEL better! You will also see that you are beginning to attract the kind of life you want. You are engaging in the the law of attraction…and it works every time!
When you exchange your negativity for gratefulness and a happy heart, you will no longer have the need to manipulate and control others. If this is still an issue, sit down and write out these questions and answer them:
Why do I seek to control others?
Who are they?
How does it make me feel knowing I am a manipulator?
Wouldn’t I rather have individuals do what they do because they want to rather than due to my manipulative behavior?
Isn’t that what real love does….because it wants to, not HAS to?
How would it feel if significant people in my life loved me unconditional?
What behavior do I exhibit that keeps people at arms length with me?
What can I do to change that?
These questions, when answered honestly, may give you a better understanding about just how damaging being in control of others is to you and your relationships. They will help you to see more clearly that real love doesn’t manipulate but accepts what is freely given.
If you are wrestling with jealousy, try some of the exercises I spoke of and see if you can get a better and clearer understanding about the “why” behind your behavior. You’ll live your best life now, if you can do the inter-personal work that will help you get control of these emotions. You’ll live a much happier and content life and one that people will be glad to share with you!
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