Setting Boundaries

I think we all realize that setting boundaries in toxic relationships is quite necessary. But, it’s also a good idea to set boundaries in all our relationships; good or bad. Even God set boundaries in the very beginning. If you go back to Genesis, God placed man in the garden. This garden had a perimeter…it had a boundary between it and all the rest of the earth. All that other space was where God told them to multiply and take dominion. But there were other boundaries also. They were forbidden to eat of a particular tree….the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. That boundary was for their protection. God knew something they didn’t. He was trying to take care of them. Once Adam and Eve sinned, God provided yet another boundary to protect them. He drove them out of the garden and set angels guard so that they could never re-enter the garden. Now that they had sinned, if they continued eating from the tree of life, they would live forever in their now corrupted state. That wasn’t God’s best. He wanted again, to protect them and put into motion His plan for their redemption.

Dr.’s Cloud and Townsend wrote “any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries”. I believe that. “Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their property, we need to set mental, physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t”. The following are some areas they suggest we address regarding boundaries.

Boundaries are not bad. But we’ve learned (mostly from family members) that boundaries are not necessary and don’t apply to them. Everyone has set boundaries whether they realize it or not. If you stop and think about what you do and don’t allow in your relationships, you will find you have set boundaries as well, whether you intended to or not.

Many times boundaries are defined by what we are physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually able to provide. In other words, some boundaries are there and necessary because we just can’t provide what another person may require or need of us. If you simply don’t have time to do some things another person is asking, then the answer is a simple no. And, you don’t have to feel guilty about saying no. No is not a bad thing. But family members are often the ones that have difficulty with “No” from another family member. These boundaries are sometimes some of the most difficult to enforce.

The Bible tells us to love others as ourselves. Well, let me ask you this: Would you deliberately overwork, abuse and distort your health, your time, your gifts and resources? I think we would all answer “no”. If you would be so careful to take care of yourself in those areas, why would you allow another individual to take advantage of you in those same areas? If you don’t take care of yourself, you can be of no use to anyone else. Do we sometimes have obligations due to being a member of a family? Most certainly! But that doesn’t mean you have to allow members of your family to manipulate your time, your commitments or any other facet of your life.

I know people that CANNOT bring themselves to ask for help. But rather, they hint for help or they will say they need help but will not come right out and say “would you please” or “would you mind…”. Their pride will not allow them to ask but they instead have become manipulators of situations. They unknowingly, cause injury to others that often help create an atmosphere for resentment.

Close friends and family members are usually the ones that can manipulate us most. But I’ve had casual acquaintances do the same because they were not aware of the boundaries I had in place. Just because someone is a long time close friend or a family member doesn’t mean you owe them anything. No one is “owed” anything in this life. Even Jesus said “freely ye have received, freely give”. Jesus was saying, I didn’t owe you what I gave you, I willingly gave it. We are to be the same way. We give out of love, not out of debt or gratitude. So if we decide to help or engage in something with someone, we are freely doing it, with no strings attached.

There are also people that will do us favors with the intention that later down the line when they need help, they feel “within their right” to call in a favor. There were strings attached to the gift they gave. It may be a gift of time, helping with a project or any other kind of help that we may have needed. Of course, it’s not a problem for us to be willing to return the favor, but when we do things for others with strings attached, we may be violating their boundaries. Why? Because that person may not be capable of returning the favor you need at the time you need. We all have resources, they are different and not always available at the time someone else my need them. I try not to use the words “always or never” but here is an exception. Never perform an act of kindness with the expectation that at another time, you can call in the favor. That is not a gift. It is a quid pro quo! It’s a form of deception if the other person is unaware that it is not a gift. It is at worst, a manipulation!

Many times we fail to enforce the boundaries we either have or wish we had because we fear reprisal and rejection. There have been times that a situation was just out of my control, but yet the other person was offended that I could not do what they wanted. Many times these reactions are a means to manipulate the other person then or at a future time. This may be a habit of theirs to act unbecoming when things don’t go their way because they are use to manipulating others with their negative behavior. Boundaries are good. Saying no is not bad. This is why it is so very important to stay connected to the Holy Spirit on a daily basis. He knows what is ahead for you that day. He knows the encounters you will have. Taking the time to allow Him to fill you with His wisdom is the sure way to set healthy boundaries. We need to seriously contemplate the kinds of relationships we have and just what we are capable and willing to offer to them.

I have found that within our family dynamics, I am sometimes forced to do things I don’t want to do. Many times it is even a physical and time strain to perform these tasks, yet I do it because of the relationship. I really have to work on not resenting these things. But I am guilty of allowing certain family members to manipulate my boundaries just because I don’t want to face the negative response. Each of us have to examine our hearts and decide just how far we can and will tolerate that kind of manipulation. You may feel that you have no choice in some of your relationships because of the nature and dynamics that are involved. There WILL be times that our boundaries are violated without us knowing how to react. I advise when this happens, calmly review what happened when you are not emotionally charged. Then ask yourself if it could have been avoided (some things within families just have to be because there is no one else to deal with it) and then make a plan for future encounters. If it has happened once, you can count on it being repeated. Decided how you will respond. Design options for such instances. Be cognizant of cues that can help you deflect what may be coming next, by intercepting the request or “getting the jump” on what you know is about to be asked of you. Most family members or close friends that habitually try to manipulate our boundaries can be very predictable. Just think about those particular individuals. If you reflect on past encounters, you will see some commonalities between their behavior and expectations.

In addition to relationships, we also need to set digital boundaries. Because smart phones, apple watches, iPads, laptops, etc are so readily available to everyone, we no longer know where work begins and where it ends. We can check our work emails at home and respond to messages at all hours hours anywhere at anytime. We allow social media to entertain us rather than the family members we should be engaging with when we get home. We have failed to protect our personal space and time. Where is our“off” button now? We need to set definitive boundaries between work and home life. We owe it to those precious relationships to make a commitment to nurture them. We can’t expect our families to evolve around a 24/7 work mentality…it’s not healthy and it’s not doable!! It’s like we are always “ON”, which leads me to my next point….setting boundaries with our time and days. God told Adam and Eve to rest on the Sabbath.

Do you truly take one day every week just to rest? Most of us can’t say yes to that. We’ve always got some sort of plan or thing to carry out. Even if we do decide to take a day off, we feel guilty because we aren’t productive or someone expects because we are taking the day off, we are free to help them or spend time with them. It is ok to say NO to these people and their propositions. Learning to say No and enforcing healthy boundaries is a God idea. If people don’t respect your “NO” and your boundaries, they are the one that has the issue, not you. They may even be the manipulator I referred to earlier. Only you can set your boundaries and enforce them. Once you make a point to stick to them, people will come to respect them. There may be some push back in the beginning, but that’s ok…that’s normal, especially if you’ve never enforced them. My husband and I take two half days to rest. We work the first half of Saturday and rest the remainder of the day then after church activities on Sunday, we rest the remainder of that day also. Unless it is a family crisis, we are like Army General’s when it comes to enforcing those two afternoon’s of rest. Those times may include napping, watching our favorite movies, doing fun hobbies or binge reading for hours. But it doesn’t matter as long as the brain is allowed to turn off or down and stress and over thinking is not apart of the activity. The point is, to have no set agenda….only enjoy and rest! This is the only way you can live your best life…allowing a period of time to rejuvenate for the next week!!

Lastly, I want to encourage you to set healthy boundaries with yourself. Let me give you some examples of what I mean: Boundaries with food! Do you eat healthy? Do you have health issues that food could be a contributing factor? If so, you’ve not set a boundary or you’ve allowed yourself to violate it. What about money? Do you live beyond your means? Do you engage in impulse buying? Do you have a budget and stick to it? What about your time? Are you constantly late to appointments/engagements? Do you meet deadlines that you agreed to? Do you pay your bills on time? What about your conversations? Do you dominate conversations? Do you gossip? Are you an encourager or a negative Nancy? Then there are the boundaries of substance abuse and sexuality. Have you violated sexual boundaries within your most intimate relationship, such as your marriage. You don’t actually have to have acted on an impulse, you can simply violate a boundary in your thought life that may eventually lead to an act. Many people engage in emotional affairs that can be just as damaging and detrimental as a physical affair. Be careful to set boundaries within your social media accounts. Take precautions when you find you may be alone with the opposite sex in some compromising situation. Think about these things before they ever become an issue. That’s what boundaries are….things you put in place BEFORE anything happens. Stress and damaged relationships as well as our own insecurities can often lead to substance abuse. It’s a good idea to take note if you begin to relay on substances to relieve your stress or anxiety about life’s problems. Be honest with yourself. Ask for help if you notice this is becoming an issue. Others can often be an accountability partner that will help reinforce those boundaries.

I think the sudden change in our lives recently may be causing all of us to experience some boundary issues…it may be in an area that is no issue for someone else or vise versa. It may be a boundary issue that was never experienced before Covid-19. Whatever the boundary issue is, be quick to evaluate it and make plans to repair it. Boundaries help us live our best life now. Don’t be afraid to put them into place. They will help you accomplish your God-given goals and dreams!!